Amazing Grace

2 1/2 weeks into motherhood and I finally don't feel like locking myself in the bathroom to cry. Avonleigh and I are getting to know each other and it's a beautiful process. We have started to get into somewhat of a pattern each day. Thank you, Lord!

Every few hours, after she eats, I sing Amazing Grace to her. I got her middle name (Grace) from the song and named her that as a reminder of God's unfailing grace. Even under circumstances where it would have been easy for me to feel ashamed, I never did. All I felt was undeserved love, acceptance, and grace. In all my years on my walk to Christ I never fully understood His grace. It took falling very far away and being brought back by less than desirable circumstances to truly get it. So, all of that being said... I sing her Amazing Grace every day. It's my most favorite part of the day. Even if she's fussy, as soon as I start singing she quiets down and just stares at me. It's so humbling to me. I definitely don't have a great voice, but she finds comfort in it and it brings tears to my eyes every time.

For some reason, that small part of each day reminds me of how God views us. It's a little backwards, but Avie doesn't care that I can't carry a tune or that sometimes I mess up the words when I try to sing the other verses. All she cares about is that I sing to her. It made me think that that must be how God feels. We don't have to be the best at something or do it right every time. What matters is that we simply do it (whatever it may be) and that we do it for Him.

Avonleigh Grace is already making me a better person in so many ways. I can't wait to see the person that I'm transformed into over the years!

She's here!

I can't believe that it's been almost a week. At 2:46am it will have been exactly one week since I heard Avonleigh's first cry. Needless to say this has been a week FULL of emotion. I've had ups and downs, which I hear is pretty normal. There are so many things I want to say about this week but I just don't know where to begin. I would begin with my labor story... I definitely want to tell it. Though that is a long story and I have a week old baby. Any mothers out there would understand why that just doesn't add up. Luckily, I have a pretty great support system and my sister has taken over Avie care for an hour while I get some "me time". I think I've decided the two things I'd like to write down. The two things I'd like to remember if I ever decide to have another child.

First-
Nothing Goes As Planned
I know they tell you this is ever book you could ever read. You can plan for your labor, delivery, and baby all day long but at the end of the day, what's going to happen is going to happen. I planned on getting an epidural - it didn't take on my right side at all. I planned on breast feeding - turns out that I'm one of those freakish, like 1 in every 100,000 that just doesn't produce milk for some reason. I planned a lot of things and I'm very slowly realizing that at the end of the day, all that really matters is that I provide love and security for my daughter in a way that keeps my sane. I already know that I won't be boiling the nipples on her bottles after every time I use them. Regular laundry detergent is fine, really. She's going to spit up and we're both going to smell like it on occasion. Just another joy of motherhood. I'm learning not to take things so seriously. It's a slow learning process, with many tears along the way, but it's happening.

Second-
It Is Harder Than Anyone Thinks It Is
People warned me that it wasn't going to be easy. They did it in a nice way, I'm assuming because they didn't want to scare me. Even if they'd tried to be real with me and tell me how hard is really is, I don't think I would have taken them seriously. BRINGING A NEWBORN BABY HOME IS HARD. I wasn't prepared at all for how hard it would be. Not just physically demanding, but emotionally demanding. I feel taken up in every aspect of my being. Everyone tells you that you'll be tired. I didn't realize that I'd be so tired that I'd cry for no reason at all or that I'd fall asleep holding her in the middle of the night. I've never known this kind of tired and no one could have prepared me for it. Worse than the physical demand, though, is the emotional one. I have cried more times than I can count. I love this little girl more than anything in the world but my hormones are making me look like a crazy person. Again, people told me that my hormones would be crazy and that I'd be super emotional but I never expected it to be like this.

Avonleigh Grace is amazing. God couldn't have blessed me with a more wonderful little girl. Compared to the stories I've heard from other mom's, I have a very well behaved newborn. My family has been a tremendous help and I know they will continue to be. I just need to remember that it's ok to let me watch her for an hour or two while I sleep... or shower. I'm so thankful for my mom-friends, without whom I think I would be at a loss. Their advice and suggestions are managing to keep me afloat. I didn't realize before how much I didn't/don't know.

Despite my plans going out the window and this being so much harder than I prepared myself for, I am extremely blessed. And when my hormones take me to that place where I just want to cry, I remind myself that God designed me for this. He has prepared and equipped me with everything and everyone I need to make it through and thrive as a mother.

I Need A Place

In just a little over 24 hours, the much anticipated due date for Avonleigh will be here. I've been thinking for months now how wonderful it would be have a place to say all the things that are on my mind. My life has changed so much in the past year and sometimes I just need to write down my feelings and thoughts. I was reminded of my blog that I started three years ago and never kept up. No one reads this... at least, not to my knowledge, and that's okay. I don't need to write about new motherhood so that others can read it. I need to write about everything that's changing so that I don't ever forget it. I'm hoping that this bout of blogging fairs better than my previous attempts. That being said... I have a few things that I'd like to say in this "first" post.

Avonleigh Grace
You aren't here just yet, but you will be very very soon. I'm so excited to meet you. To finally put a face to the little kicks, punches, stretches, and hiccups I've been feeling for the past few months. I have a few confessions I want to make on this eve of your arrival.

-I already love you with a love that I didn't realize I possessed. I'm nervous and excited about what this love will feel like when your in my arms instead of my belly.

-I am constantly worried and scared of being a mother. It's a big responsibility and you will be counting on me for so much.

-These past 9 months have allowed me WAY to much time to over-prepare. I have read, researched, and studied all I can about caring for you and providing for you. You probably have a lot more things than you need but being prepared calms me.

-When I think about raising you by myself, I get sad. Not at all for myself. I don't mind doing it alone. I get sad for you because you are going to miss out on somethings because of my mistakes. One day, when you are much much older, we will have a real conversation about these things and I hope that when that time comes, you'll forgive me.

It feels nice to put some of that in writing. I think this blog thing could be very healthy for this single mom. 

Today is Never To Late...

The two of you who actually read my blog might notice that I've deleted some older posts. This is because I am starting fresh.

Being 21 and not in school sometimes makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. It's a frustrating situation that no one really understands. I know people think that I'm not in school because I'm lazy and just don't want to take the time so get the financial aspect straight. That's not it at all. I made financial mistakes when I first moved out of my parents house and I'm still paying for them. Until that's taken care of, I can't get a loan for $20, let alone the thousands of dollars it'd take to pay for school. I've never wanted to admit to anyone that I have financial problems. I never wanted to be seen as weak, or let people know that I've messed up. But I'm done worrying what people will think. It only makes me miserable. I'm going to start living for me. Living a life that will make me happy.

So what if I can't be in school. I'm not ready to settle down anyway. I want to travel, and see things that I won't be to see once I have a steady job and a family. I want to teach English to children in Greece, I want to stand at the top of  the Eiffel Tower, and I want to swim in the Mediterranean. So maybe I'm not living my life the traditional way. Maybe I want different things than others my age want. And maybe, now, I'm okay with it.

I've always thought that my mindset on life was wrong. And I've tried so hard to live it the way I think I'm "supposed to". Though I'm not sure why. No one has ever pressured to me to do any certain thing. My parents always pushed me to find a path that's right for me, my friends will always be supportive no matter what path I choose. So I know that fear is what has kept me from pursuing the life of adventure that I so desire. It's scary to even consider taking the road less traveled, and even scarier to actually do it. But I know I won't be happy until I set free the dreamer within me.

I dedicate this post to my mom. Until recently, I think she was the only person to truly see the real me. She always encouraged me to dream as big and as far as I could. She saw my potential and she was my most enthusiastic cheerleader. I miss her and one day when I'm dancing in Paris, or when my first novel is published I know she'll be looking down on me with a huge smile because she always knew I could do it. Even if she isn't here to see me accomplish these goals, I know she'd be proud and that will be enough.

Things I'll Probably Never Say...

Sorry for the lameness, but I need to vent and like I said, I'll probably never tell the people who actually need to hear these things.

-Never before has one person held so much of my heart that they could shatter me so completely. You held my whole heart and you crushed exactly that much of it. I never thought I'd spend an entire night sobbing on my floor because I collapsed there and couldn't stand back up for hours. There was a reason that I never gave my heart away before and I regret ever trusting you with mine. I hate that you encouraged me to do so and tried so hard to lay my fears to rest. You had no right to take the innocence that love held in my eyes and I'm angry for that. However, I know that you did all this without realizing that it wouldn't turn out the way that either of us thought. I also know that you were honest with me each step of the way and I thank for that. I also thank you for being strong enough to do the right thing in the end. It hurt like hell but I know it was the right thing and I appreciate you finally stepping up and doing the right thing. Despite how you handled everything, I know that you're an amazing person. I know that God has a plan for you that is bigger than anything you or I could ever imagine for you (and I imagine big things for you). I know that I will always love you and always always always want the best for you. I want you to be happy in whatever God throws your way. I hope that as God continues to slowly mend my heart that He will be doing the same for you. I pray that we will be able to talk in the near future and put the heartache behind us. Being around you does help me realize the person God is calling me to be so I truly hope that we'll be able to be geniune friends at some point in the future.

-You three are closer to my heart than anyone else in the world. I love you unconditionally and will always be here if and when you need me. This said, it makes me so sad to see you all turning your back on what God has for you. He wishes to give you all a life you can be happy with but you have to let Him in in order for that to happen. I hope that I can be a sign pointing you in His direction and that when you finally reach the end of your ropes, you'll turn to Him.

-I try very hard to be a good friend to you. I know you are hurting and that you feel like I am the only one who understands but the truth is, most of the time I don't understand. I try to and when I don't understand I fake it so that I can be strong for you. The problem is, you do things that hurt me a little bit at a time and you don't even notice it. You remind me on a daily basis that you have the one thing that I feel lost without but can't find. Sometimes I even feel like you flaunt it and it honestly makes me want to punch you in the face. But I won't, because I know that you're hurting too. I just wish you'd see what you're doing to me.

-You are one of the only two people who were there for me when I was broken to pieces. You let me talk when I need to. You listen and speak only ever kind words to me. We laugh, a lot. They say a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies and you make me believe that. I just wish that every now and then you'd put down your guard and let me in to see the person under the happy-go-lucky facade. No one is perpetually happy and I just wish that you felt like you could come to me when you aren't because I want to be there for you like you've been there for me.

-I only see you once a year but I still feel closer to you than most of my friends here. When I talk to you I feel total acceptance without an ounce of judgement. You might be the single best person that I know. I enjoy listening to you tell me about your life in a place that I know nothing about. When we talk, we talk for HOURS. I miss you more than words can say and I hope that one day we'll live just a little closer to one another.

-You're negative and mean. All you ever do is make me feel bad and insignificant. I don't know why I continue to be around you on a regular basis but I just know that God has you in my life for a reason. Maybe He's teaching you something or maybe it's me that He's teaching. Either way I wish that sometimes you could just take a happy pill.

I wish I had the guts to say some of this stuff to these people but I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. Hopefully letting it out on here will keep me from blowing up at them. I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Every Woman

I ran by this quote on one of my many quests for the perfect quote for what I'm dealing with and I thought I should share.

"- Every woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.

-Every woman should have something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

-Every woman should have a youth she's content to leave behind.

-Every woman should have a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

-Every woman should have a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

-Every woman should have one friend who makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry.

-Every woman should have one good piece of furniture in her house not previously owned by any one else in her family.

-Every woman should have eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

-Every woman should have a feeling of control over her destiny.

-Every woman should know how to fall in love without losing herself.

-Every woman should know how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend, all without ruining the friendships.

-Every woman should know when to try harder and when to just walk away.

-Every woman should know that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

-Every woman should know that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

-Every woman should know what she would or wouldn't do for love.

-Every woman should know how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

-Every woman should know whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

-Every woman should know where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.

-Every woman should know what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, or a year."

-Pamela Redmond Satran