The two of you who actually read my blog might notice that I've deleted some older posts. This is because I am starting fresh.
Being 21 and not in school sometimes makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. It's a frustrating situation that no one really understands. I know people think that I'm not in school because I'm lazy and just don't want to take the time so get the financial aspect straight. That's not it at all. I made financial mistakes when I first moved out of my parents house and I'm still paying for them. Until that's taken care of, I can't get a loan for $20, let alone the thousands of dollars it'd take to pay for school. I've never wanted to admit to anyone that I have financial problems. I never wanted to be seen as weak, or let people know that I've messed up. But I'm done worrying what people will think. It only makes me miserable. I'm going to start living for me. Living a life that will make me happy.
So what if I can't be in school. I'm not ready to settle down anyway. I want to travel, and see things that I won't be to see once I have a steady job and a family. I want to teach English to children in Greece, I want to stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and I want to swim in the Mediterranean. So maybe I'm not living my life the traditional way. Maybe I want different things than others my age want. And maybe, now, I'm okay with it.
I've always thought that my mindset on life was wrong. And I've tried so hard to live it the way I think I'm "supposed to". Though I'm not sure why. No one has ever pressured to me to do any certain thing. My parents always pushed me to find a path that's right for me, my friends will always be supportive no matter what path I choose. So I know that fear is what has kept me from pursuing the life of adventure that I so desire. It's scary to even consider taking the road less traveled, and even scarier to actually do it. But I know I won't be happy until I set free the dreamer within me.
I dedicate this post to my mom. Until recently, I think she was the only person to truly see the real me. She always encouraged me to dream as big and as far as I could. She saw my potential and she was my most enthusiastic cheerleader. I miss her and one day when I'm dancing in Paris, or when my first novel is published I know she'll be looking down on me with a huge smile because she always knew I could do it. Even if she isn't here to see me accomplish these goals, I know she'd be proud and that will be enough.
Wednesday, December 29
Tuesday, March 2
Things I'll Probably Never Say...
Sorry for the lameness, but I need to vent and like I said, I'll probably never tell the people who actually need to hear these things.
-Never before has one person held so much of my heart that they could shatter me so completely. You held my whole heart and you crushed exactly that much of it. I never thought I'd spend an entire night sobbing on my floor because I collapsed there and couldn't stand back up for hours. There was a reason that I never gave my heart away before and I regret ever trusting you with mine. I hate that you encouraged me to do so and tried so hard to lay my fears to rest. You had no right to take the innocence that love held in my eyes and I'm angry for that. However, I know that you did all this without realizing that it wouldn't turn out the way that either of us thought. I also know that you were honest with me each step of the way and I thank for that. I also thank you for being strong enough to do the right thing in the end. It hurt like hell but I know it was the right thing and I appreciate you finally stepping up and doing the right thing. Despite how you handled everything, I know that you're an amazing person. I know that God has a plan for you that is bigger than anything you or I could ever imagine for you (and I imagine big things for you). I know that I will always love you and always always always want the best for you. I want you to be happy in whatever God throws your way. I hope that as God continues to slowly mend my heart that He will be doing the same for you. I pray that we will be able to talk in the near future and put the heartache behind us. Being around you does help me realize the person God is calling me to be so I truly hope that we'll be able to be geniune friends at some point in the future.
-You three are closer to my heart than anyone else in the world. I love you unconditionally and will always be here if and when you need me. This said, it makes me so sad to see you all turning your back on what God has for you. He wishes to give you all a life you can be happy with but you have to let Him in in order for that to happen. I hope that I can be a sign pointing you in His direction and that when you finally reach the end of your ropes, you'll turn to Him.
-I try very hard to be a good friend to you. I know you are hurting and that you feel like I am the only one who understands but the truth is, most of the time I don't understand. I try to and when I don't understand I fake it so that I can be strong for you. The problem is, you do things that hurt me a little bit at a time and you don't even notice it. You remind me on a daily basis that you have the one thing that I feel lost without but can't find. Sometimes I even feel like you flaunt it and it honestly makes me want to punch you in the face. But I won't, because I know that you're hurting too. I just wish you'd see what you're doing to me.
-You are one of the only two people who were there for me when I was broken to pieces. You let me talk when I need to. You listen and speak only ever kind words to me. We laugh, a lot. They say a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies and you make me believe that. I just wish that every now and then you'd put down your guard and let me in to see the person under the happy-go-lucky facade. No one is perpetually happy and I just wish that you felt like you could come to me when you aren't because I want to be there for you like you've been there for me.
-I only see you once a year but I still feel closer to you than most of my friends here. When I talk to you I feel total acceptance without an ounce of judgement. You might be the single best person that I know. I enjoy listening to you tell me about your life in a place that I know nothing about. When we talk, we talk for HOURS. I miss you more than words can say and I hope that one day we'll live just a little closer to one another.
-You're negative and mean. All you ever do is make me feel bad and insignificant. I don't know why I continue to be around you on a regular basis but I just know that God has you in my life for a reason. Maybe He's teaching you something or maybe it's me that He's teaching. Either way I wish that sometimes you could just take a happy pill.
I wish I had the guts to say some of this stuff to these people but I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. Hopefully letting it out on here will keep me from blowing up at them. I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
-Never before has one person held so much of my heart that they could shatter me so completely. You held my whole heart and you crushed exactly that much of it. I never thought I'd spend an entire night sobbing on my floor because I collapsed there and couldn't stand back up for hours. There was a reason that I never gave my heart away before and I regret ever trusting you with mine. I hate that you encouraged me to do so and tried so hard to lay my fears to rest. You had no right to take the innocence that love held in my eyes and I'm angry for that. However, I know that you did all this without realizing that it wouldn't turn out the way that either of us thought. I also know that you were honest with me each step of the way and I thank for that. I also thank you for being strong enough to do the right thing in the end. It hurt like hell but I know it was the right thing and I appreciate you finally stepping up and doing the right thing. Despite how you handled everything, I know that you're an amazing person. I know that God has a plan for you that is bigger than anything you or I could ever imagine for you (and I imagine big things for you). I know that I will always love you and always always always want the best for you. I want you to be happy in whatever God throws your way. I hope that as God continues to slowly mend my heart that He will be doing the same for you. I pray that we will be able to talk in the near future and put the heartache behind us. Being around you does help me realize the person God is calling me to be so I truly hope that we'll be able to be geniune friends at some point in the future.
-You three are closer to my heart than anyone else in the world. I love you unconditionally and will always be here if and when you need me. This said, it makes me so sad to see you all turning your back on what God has for you. He wishes to give you all a life you can be happy with but you have to let Him in in order for that to happen. I hope that I can be a sign pointing you in His direction and that when you finally reach the end of your ropes, you'll turn to Him.
-I try very hard to be a good friend to you. I know you are hurting and that you feel like I am the only one who understands but the truth is, most of the time I don't understand. I try to and when I don't understand I fake it so that I can be strong for you. The problem is, you do things that hurt me a little bit at a time and you don't even notice it. You remind me on a daily basis that you have the one thing that I feel lost without but can't find. Sometimes I even feel like you flaunt it and it honestly makes me want to punch you in the face. But I won't, because I know that you're hurting too. I just wish you'd see what you're doing to me.
-You are one of the only two people who were there for me when I was broken to pieces. You let me talk when I need to. You listen and speak only ever kind words to me. We laugh, a lot. They say a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies and you make me believe that. I just wish that every now and then you'd put down your guard and let me in to see the person under the happy-go-lucky facade. No one is perpetually happy and I just wish that you felt like you could come to me when you aren't because I want to be there for you like you've been there for me.
-I only see you once a year but I still feel closer to you than most of my friends here. When I talk to you I feel total acceptance without an ounce of judgement. You might be the single best person that I know. I enjoy listening to you tell me about your life in a place that I know nothing about. When we talk, we talk for HOURS. I miss you more than words can say and I hope that one day we'll live just a little closer to one another.
-You're negative and mean. All you ever do is make me feel bad and insignificant. I don't know why I continue to be around you on a regular basis but I just know that God has you in my life for a reason. Maybe He's teaching you something or maybe it's me that He's teaching. Either way I wish that sometimes you could just take a happy pill.
I wish I had the guts to say some of this stuff to these people but I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. Hopefully letting it out on here will keep me from blowing up at them. I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
Monday, March 1
Every Woman
I ran by this quote on one of my many quests for the perfect quote for what I'm dealing with and I thought I should share.
"- Every woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
-Every woman should have something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
-Every woman should have a youth she's content to leave behind.
-Every woman should have a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
-Every woman should have a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
-Every woman should have one friend who makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry.
-Every woman should have one good piece of furniture in her house not previously owned by any one else in her family.
-Every woman should have eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
-Every woman should have a feeling of control over her destiny.
-Every woman should know how to fall in love without losing herself.
-Every woman should know how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend, all without ruining the friendships.
-Every woman should know when to try harder and when to just walk away.
-Every woman should know that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
-Every woman should know that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
-Every woman should know what she would or wouldn't do for love.
-Every woman should know how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.
-Every woman should know whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
-Every woman should know where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.
-Every woman should know what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, or a year."
-Pamela Redmond Satran
"- Every woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
-Every woman should have something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
-Every woman should have a youth she's content to leave behind.
-Every woman should have a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
-Every woman should have a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
-Every woman should have one friend who makes her laugh, and one who lets her cry.
-Every woman should have one good piece of furniture in her house not previously owned by any one else in her family.
-Every woman should have eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
-Every woman should have a feeling of control over her destiny.
-Every woman should know how to fall in love without losing herself.
-Every woman should know how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend, all without ruining the friendships.
-Every woman should know when to try harder and when to just walk away.
-Every woman should know that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
-Every woman should know that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
-Every woman should know what she would or wouldn't do for love.
-Every woman should know how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.
-Every woman should know whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
-Every woman should know where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.
-Every woman should know what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, or a year."
-Pamela Redmond Satran
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