2 1/2 weeks into motherhood and I finally don't feel like locking myself in the bathroom to cry. Avonleigh and I are getting to know each other and it's a beautiful process. We have started to get into somewhat of a pattern each day. Thank you, Lord!
Every few hours, after she eats, I sing Amazing Grace to her. I got her middle name (Grace) from the song and named her that as a reminder of God's unfailing grace. Even under circumstances where it would have been easy for me to feel ashamed, I never did. All I felt was undeserved love, acceptance, and grace. In all my years on my walk to Christ I never fully understood His grace. It took falling very far away and being brought back by less than desirable circumstances to truly get it. So, all of that being said... I sing her Amazing Grace every day. It's my most favorite part of the day. Even if she's fussy, as soon as I start singing she quiets down and just stares at me. It's so humbling to me. I definitely don't have a great voice, but she finds comfort in it and it brings tears to my eyes every time.
For some reason, that small part of each day reminds me of how God views us. It's a little backwards, but Avie doesn't care that I can't carry a tune or that sometimes I mess up the words when I try to sing the other verses. All she cares about is that I sing to her. It made me think that that must be how God feels. We don't have to be the best at something or do it right every time. What matters is that we simply do it (whatever it may be) and that we do it for Him.
Avonleigh Grace is already making me a better person in so many ways. I can't wait to see the person that I'm transformed into over the years!
Friday, March 22
Saturday, March 9
She's here!
I can't believe that it's been almost a week. At 2:46am it will have been exactly one week since I heard Avonleigh's first cry. Needless to say this has been a week FULL of emotion. I've had ups and downs, which I hear is pretty normal. There are so many things I want to say about this week but I just don't know where to begin. I would begin with my labor story... I definitely want to tell it. Though that is a long story and I have a week old baby. Any mothers out there would understand why that just doesn't add up. Luckily, I have a pretty great support system and my sister has taken over Avie care for an hour while I get some "me time". I think I've decided the two things I'd like to write down. The two things I'd like to remember if I ever decide to have another child.
First-
Nothing Goes As Planned
I know they tell you this is ever book you could ever read. You can plan for your labor, delivery, and baby all day long but at the end of the day, what's going to happen is going to happen. I planned on getting an epidural - it didn't take on my right side at all. I planned on breast feeding - turns out that I'm one of those freakish, like 1 in every 100,000 that just doesn't produce milk for some reason. I planned a lot of things and I'm very slowly realizing that at the end of the day, all that really matters is that I provide love and security for my daughter in a way that keeps my sane. I already know that I won't be boiling the nipples on her bottles after every time I use them. Regular laundry detergent is fine, really. She's going to spit up and we're both going to smell like it on occasion. Just another joy of motherhood. I'm learning not to take things so seriously. It's a slow learning process, with many tears along the way, but it's happening.
Second-
It Is Harder Than Anyone Thinks It Is
People warned me that it wasn't going to be easy. They did it in a nice way, I'm assuming because they didn't want to scare me. Even if they'd tried to be real with me and tell me how hard is really is, I don't think I would have taken them seriously. BRINGING A NEWBORN BABY HOME IS HARD. I wasn't prepared at all for how hard it would be. Not just physically demanding, but emotionally demanding. I feel taken up in every aspect of my being. Everyone tells you that you'll be tired. I didn't realize that I'd be so tired that I'd cry for no reason at all or that I'd fall asleep holding her in the middle of the night. I've never known this kind of tired and no one could have prepared me for it. Worse than the physical demand, though, is the emotional one. I have cried more times than I can count. I love this little girl more than anything in the world but my hormones are making me look like a crazy person. Again, people told me that my hormones would be crazy and that I'd be super emotional but I never expected it to be like this.
Avonleigh Grace is amazing. God couldn't have blessed me with a more wonderful little girl. Compared to the stories I've heard from other mom's, I have a very well behaved newborn. My family has been a tremendous help and I know they will continue to be. I just need to remember that it's ok to let me watch her for an hour or two while I sleep... or shower. I'm so thankful for my mom-friends, without whom I think I would be at a loss. Their advice and suggestions are managing to keep me afloat. I didn't realize before how much I didn't/don't know.
Despite my plans going out the window and this being so much harder than I prepared myself for, I am extremely blessed. And when my hormones take me to that place where I just want to cry, I remind myself that God designed me for this. He has prepared and equipped me with everything and everyone I need to make it through and thrive as a mother.
First-
Nothing Goes As Planned
I know they tell you this is ever book you could ever read. You can plan for your labor, delivery, and baby all day long but at the end of the day, what's going to happen is going to happen. I planned on getting an epidural - it didn't take on my right side at all. I planned on breast feeding - turns out that I'm one of those freakish, like 1 in every 100,000 that just doesn't produce milk for some reason. I planned a lot of things and I'm very slowly realizing that at the end of the day, all that really matters is that I provide love and security for my daughter in a way that keeps my sane. I already know that I won't be boiling the nipples on her bottles after every time I use them. Regular laundry detergent is fine, really. She's going to spit up and we're both going to smell like it on occasion. Just another joy of motherhood. I'm learning not to take things so seriously. It's a slow learning process, with many tears along the way, but it's happening.
Second-
It Is Harder Than Anyone Thinks It Is
People warned me that it wasn't going to be easy. They did it in a nice way, I'm assuming because they didn't want to scare me. Even if they'd tried to be real with me and tell me how hard is really is, I don't think I would have taken them seriously. BRINGING A NEWBORN BABY HOME IS HARD. I wasn't prepared at all for how hard it would be. Not just physically demanding, but emotionally demanding. I feel taken up in every aspect of my being. Everyone tells you that you'll be tired. I didn't realize that I'd be so tired that I'd cry for no reason at all or that I'd fall asleep holding her in the middle of the night. I've never known this kind of tired and no one could have prepared me for it. Worse than the physical demand, though, is the emotional one. I have cried more times than I can count. I love this little girl more than anything in the world but my hormones are making me look like a crazy person. Again, people told me that my hormones would be crazy and that I'd be super emotional but I never expected it to be like this.
Avonleigh Grace is amazing. God couldn't have blessed me with a more wonderful little girl. Compared to the stories I've heard from other mom's, I have a very well behaved newborn. My family has been a tremendous help and I know they will continue to be. I just need to remember that it's ok to let me watch her for an hour or two while I sleep... or shower. I'm so thankful for my mom-friends, without whom I think I would be at a loss. Their advice and suggestions are managing to keep me afloat. I didn't realize before how much I didn't/don't know.
Despite my plans going out the window and this being so much harder than I prepared myself for, I am extremely blessed. And when my hormones take me to that place where I just want to cry, I remind myself that God designed me for this. He has prepared and equipped me with everything and everyone I need to make it through and thrive as a mother.
Monday, February 25
I Need A Place
In just a little over 24 hours, the much anticipated due date for Avonleigh will be here. I've been thinking for months now how wonderful it would be have a place to say all the things that are on my mind. My life has changed so much in the past year and sometimes I just need to write down my feelings and thoughts. I was reminded of my blog that I started three years ago and never kept up. No one reads this... at least, not to my knowledge, and that's okay. I don't need to write about new motherhood so that others can read it. I need to write about everything that's changing so that I don't ever forget it. I'm hoping that this bout of blogging fairs better than my previous attempts. That being said... I have a few things that I'd like to say in this "first" post.
Avonleigh Grace
You aren't here just yet, but you will be very very soon. I'm so excited to meet you. To finally put a face to the little kicks, punches, stretches, and hiccups I've been feeling for the past few months. I have a few confessions I want to make on this eve of your arrival.
-I already love you with a love that I didn't realize I possessed. I'm nervous and excited about what this love will feel like when your in my arms instead of my belly.
-I am constantly worried and scared of being a mother. It's a big responsibility and you will be counting on me for so much.
-These past 9 months have allowed me WAY to much time to over-prepare. I have read, researched, and studied all I can about caring for you and providing for you. You probably have a lot more things than you need but being prepared calms me.
-When I think about raising you by myself, I get sad. Not at all for myself. I don't mind doing it alone. I get sad for you because you are going to miss out on somethings because of my mistakes. One day, when you are much much older, we will have a real conversation about these things and I hope that when that time comes, you'll forgive me.
It feels nice to put some of that in writing. I think this blog thing could be very healthy for this single mom.
Avonleigh Grace
You aren't here just yet, but you will be very very soon. I'm so excited to meet you. To finally put a face to the little kicks, punches, stretches, and hiccups I've been feeling for the past few months. I have a few confessions I want to make on this eve of your arrival.
-I already love you with a love that I didn't realize I possessed. I'm nervous and excited about what this love will feel like when your in my arms instead of my belly.
-I am constantly worried and scared of being a mother. It's a big responsibility and you will be counting on me for so much.
-These past 9 months have allowed me WAY to much time to over-prepare. I have read, researched, and studied all I can about caring for you and providing for you. You probably have a lot more things than you need but being prepared calms me.
-When I think about raising you by myself, I get sad. Not at all for myself. I don't mind doing it alone. I get sad for you because you are going to miss out on somethings because of my mistakes. One day, when you are much much older, we will have a real conversation about these things and I hope that when that time comes, you'll forgive me.
It feels nice to put some of that in writing. I think this blog thing could be very healthy for this single mom.
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